No, your boss, ex, and neighbor probably aren’t all hidden narcissists. But when someone truly is, the damage can be staggering. Here’s how to spot the seven key traits of a hidden narcissist—and what you should know to protect yourself, according to psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum.
What Is a « Pervers Narcissique » (PN)? Let’s Start With the Facts
Everyone’s heard it: « My ex was a narcissist! » or « My boss must be a PN. » But hold up—the real deal is rare. According to Sylvie Tenenbaum, these men and women represent only a tiny slice of the population. However, their impact is vast and deeply harmful. The archetypal PN carries a psychologically destructive personality, with one goal: the annihilation of their target’s identity and happiness.
The Two Faces of the Hidden Narcissist
PNs are not all cast from the same mold. In fact, there are two main types:
- The Showy PN: This type craves the spotlight and admiration. They flourish by being seen and admired. Think parading around looking for applause, always desperate to remain center stage—we all know someone who fits this a little too well!
- The Stealth PN: Quiet, even solitary, they operate behind the scenes. Their abuse is subtle, flying under the radar, and their malice is insidious rather than flamboyant.
Both, though, have the same destructive drive. Their arsenal? A long list of psychological weapons:
- Moral harassment
- Manipulation
- Lying
- Verbal violence (and sometimes actual physical violence if disobeyed!)
- Humiliation
As Tenenbaum puts it, they’re animated by a cold determination to completely dismantle their target. The result? The victim ends up isolated (no money, phone, family, colleagues, or friends) and psychologically ruined, feeling useless and worthless. A toxic relationship forms and the victim is left deeply vulnerable.
Spot the Difference: Not Every Center-Stage Seeker Is a PN
It’s crucial not to confuse narcissists with PNs. A narcissist just wants the limelight, not necessarily to harm others. The « mean person, » meanwhile, lashes out at everyone indiscriminately, unlike the PN, who marks and preys on specific victims with chilling precision.
PNs can be men or women—and it’s strictly an adult problem (kids, you’re off the hook for now!). Though the PN’s reputation comes mostly from romantic relationships, Tenenbaum notes, this toxic dynamic can also flourish within friendships, families, or even work environments (just as Marie-France Hirigoyen described).
Where Do PNs Come From? Theory—Not Excuse
So what makes someone turn into a PN? According to Tenenbaum, there are a few hypotheses:
- Psychological, physical, or sexual abuse during childhood
- The « spoiled child » scenario: being raised in an overly permissive environment, without rules or boundaries
But whatever the backstory, the outcome is always a dangerous adult.
How to React? RUN!
Sorry if you were hoping for a magic cure—but there isn’t one. Tenenbaum insists the only response to a PN is to get out, fast. You can’t reason with them, nor can you « fix » them, or even encourage therapy. PNs neither can nor want to recognize their toxic behavior. To put it bluntly: you can’t turn the wolf into a lamb!
The first whiff of disrespect—insults, mockery, recurring criticism, isolation, or violence—in any relationship is your cue to make a speedy exit. Even if you’re not entirely sure you’re under a PN’s control, your mental wellbeing comes first. And if you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure? Get help! Book an appointment with a mental health specialist. There is no shame in putting your sanity front and center.
The Big Reveal
When the victim finally escapes, the PN collapses, destabilized and defeated. This twisted personality only exists to inflict suffering: when their « prey » leaves, their sense of power vanishes. They need a scapegoat to feel alive.
Learn More
Want to dig deeper into the shadowy world of PNs? Tenenbaum recommends the films Mon roi (by Maïwenn, 2015, with Vincent Cassel and Emmanuelle Bercot) and L’enfer (by Claude Chabrol, 1994, with Emmanuelle Béart and François Cluzet).
Conclusion: Beware the Signs—And Protect Yourself
PNs are rare, but their impact is immense. Stay alert to these traits in your relationships—romantic or otherwise. When in doubt: choose yourself, choose your sanity. And perhaps save the dramatic labels for your next movie night!
John is a curious mind who loves to write about diverse topics. Passionate about sharing his thoughts and perspectives, he enjoys sparking conversations and encouraging discovery. For him, every subject is an invitation to discuss and learn.
